As I wrapped up a particularly emotional mediation recently, I urged my clients to take good care of themselves and to make an effort to heal and restore in the subsequent weeks.  This is more than an encouraging platitude at the end of a tough session.  I often say this to people in the course of separation or intense co-parenting disputes because their circumstances are traumatic.  Literally.  Intense fighting, being left by the person you have built a trusting relationship with, losing daily contact with your children or financial and legal anxieties create trauma that gets stored in the body.  And that can come back to haunt us individually and in our co-parenting relationship for years if we don’t address it.  

Money. We love it. We struggle with it. We fight about it. Money touches some of the deepest recesses of our being, the tender spots where insecurities dwell. We fear we won’t have enough, even when we have always had enough to survive in the past. We want to be respected and valued for what we provide and to demonstrate good stewardship. We know money is a useful tool, but it can also be the root of all evil and equated with power. Here are some suggestions to overcome the obstacle of money in your divorce.

The woman I spoke with the other day called to see if mediation would be appropriate for her.  She had just received a blow.  In the course of her delicate discussions with her husband about a trial separation, she learned he was hiding an affair and the costs- both financial and emotional-  blindsided her.  She realized in that moment that he probably was not considering this a trial separation.

“This is conflict we’re talking about.  You have to show up for this or you’re going to miss something.”

Conflict is scary, messy and overwhelming.  Mostly, we want to run away from it or bury our heads in the sand like proverbial ostriches.  But conflict gives us an opportunity to transform ourselves or our situation in life.  

Every day the news or the Facebook feed shows some fresh angle on the craziness.  Devious legislative maneuvering, offshore money hoarding, oceans rising, earth eviscerating, and a full-house of presidential candidates duking it out while the Joker rewrites the rules, making himself a trump card in the game.  

I haven’t been around long enough to know whether the unique flavor of this craziness is stronger or more acidic than previous varieties, but it certainly feels unsettling.  

Have you ever noticed that when you focus your attention on any one sense completely, you become more present?  Smelling the dank, minerly moisture in the woods in autumn.  Fully experiencing the taste and feel of chocolate in your mouth.  Focusing on the sounds of the frogs in a nearby pond.  This is especially true with listening to others.

The first Noble Truth of Buddha is that life is suffering.

The second Noble Truth is that the origin of suffering is attachment.

When we are in conflict, we are attached to something, whether it’s money, a picture of our own future, a relationship that makes us feel whole, or being seen as right or good or smarter than the other person.  We are attached to an ideal future that we believe will bring us relief.  

I've spent most of my life believing, and preaching, that good communication resolves all disputes.  It seems logical that talking things out resolves misunderstandings, which we all know are at the root of most conflicts. But recently I've been thinking about other ways to address conflict.  

While it’s an enormous challenge to feel empathy toward the person who has broken the bond of trust, the alternative doesn’t look too appealing.  Making the person a monster and the cause of our pain forces us into a position of victimhood and practically compels us to fight back.  

I got a call from a potential client the other day.  Deeply distraught over his wife’s affair, he wanted to know about the divorce process.  I listened to his story of how he discovered the affair and his painful details of following her on her lunch breaks.  I heard about cars and hotel rooms and credit card bills.  I said a word here or there of comfort.  

This week, I had the pleasure of talking with Celeste Collins, the Executive Director of On Track Financial Education & Counseling about Relationships, Communication & Money for her Valentines Day radio show on WWNC 570 AM.  

The holidays.  The warmth of family and friends.  The festive meals and parties.  The closeness of community.  Or not.

For many people, the holidays are a big fat let down.  They shine a glaring spotlight on our lack of true connection, our loneliness or our deep-down-to-the-bone desire for something unnamable that is missing in our lives.

Conflict changes us.  It’s in the same category as mistakes and crisis.  We go along doing the same thing over and over in life until something happens that we didn’t plan for.  Then we’re forced to make a change.  

Last week I took my 18-year-old son to the airport with his 5 pieces of luggage and sent him off to college.  I drove the two hours to the airport with Sam and his father, who I’ve been divorced from since 2007.  The event had the expected rollercoaster of emotions attached to it: the bittersweet loss of a child successfully heading out into the world.  Sam is my second and last child to leave home and I’m in a sort of loss-fog.

Lately, parental alienation has been a hot topic in family law and the parenting coordination world. That term refers to one parent subtly or not so subtly alienating a child from the other parent.  

It surprises people to learn that filing for divorce is a relatively easy and inexpensive process in North Carolina.  Necessary paperwork can be obtained online or through the Clerk of Court’s office.  The $225 filing fee can be waived for those who can’t afford it.  But how often do you hear someone say that a divorce was cheap and easy?