Conflict Changes Us. Communication is the Tool Through
Most people facing a conflict, whether it is a separation with a partner, dispute with a loved one, or a transition at work, find themselves struggling with feelings of anger, frustration, loneliness and doubt while trying to navigate the unfamiliar and often confusing new situation. They confront significant decisions that will impact their future just as communication breaks down and stress overwhelms their best decision making abilities. Sara Bensman provides individuals, couples and groups a path through this process that maintains dignity and points toward peace and sustainability and away from the "scorched earth" results of typical divorce proceedings, antagonistic relationships or conflict situations.
Every situation is unique. Contact Sara to set up a free 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your situation and determine what services might help.
Sara assists people in making healthy decisions for themselves, their organizations and their families while reducing the tension and animosity that leads to conflict and stress.

Asheville Ignite Talk: What is the Opposite of War?
Radio interview with Celeste Collins of OnTrack Financial about Relationships, Money & Communication
Mediation
Divorce can be a frightening and confusing process. You have to plan for a new future, but you don't know what that future will look like. We can offer a collaborative approach to separation using simply the art of helping people have a good conversation. Do you need help transition out of a relationship? Would you like to figure out the logistics of separations or find a solution to lingering or ongoing matters? I can help by allowing each person to express his or her needs to find a solution right for both of you.
Online Mediation
There are times when it is too difficult to bring both parties into the same office for a mediation. Maybe you live far apart, or the stress of being together gets in the way of productive conversation and decision making. In those cases, online mediation provides a simple solution that might be perfect for you. Simply log on and begin.
Co-Parenting Solutions
For some parents who have split up, the job of raising children together becomes extremely challenging. If you find yourself fighting more than collaborating toward your child's best interest, we can provide a lasting solution no matter the conflict. I will provide a supportive structure for moving beyond the patterns of conflict bringing a pillar of stability to a tumultuous situation.
Groups
I help businesses and non-profits become sustainable. Many organizations begin with a strong vision and structure in place but over time these calcify and it becomes less able to seize opportunities and dodge curve balls. Through self-determination, communication, accountability and transparency, I can provide an ongoing solution for continued group success.
I’m very, very, very grateful for the professional parameters of a mediation session. Sara’s skills were exceptional!”
Sara is very professional and talented at creating the right environment for mediation (good at reducing tension and setting the pace for results).”
I appreciate Sara’s way of viewing both sides and trying to make it as fair as possible for both of us considering the situation.”
It's official, Spring is just around the corner and the dreary days of Winter are behind us. What better time to clear our heads, attitudes, and shape some goals moving forward. This collection of inspiring quotes may be the ticket to help you get started:
It seems everyone is discovering that all along they were, in fact, married to a narcissist. I’m not sure how that happened, but I will acknowledge I notice a lot of self-centered behaviors in people going through crisis. Along the way, I’ve learned some tricks that help me work with people who are exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. These tricks may also be helpful when dealing with former partners.
In honor of all of the battles that were not fought because people decided to use words instead of weapons or the legal system, I give you this simple story of mediation:
One of the questions I most frequently get asked when clients are going through a separation is: 'How do I manage my money?'. It can actually by answered by breaking it into 3 simple steps 👉
Anyone who is transitioning through a separation - or has already separated - knows that during this time, emotions run high and feelings can get low. This is especially true when children are involved, and heightened even more during times like the holidays and special events. So how can we get our fellow co-parent to cooperate with us? It may start with you. Here are 25 ideas that can even be implemented as your New Year’s resolutions.
On December 9, Barbara Davis died in her home. Barbara was a champion of mediation and collaborative law, a musician, a bicycle enthusiast, a mother, wife, sister and friend. Barbara was my teacher, mentor and officemate.
The holidays are generally a stressful time for most people, and stress has the tendency to bring out the worst in us. But, what if you turn that energy around and give yourself the gift of improving your co-parenting relationship during this season of light and love, instead?
It’s easy to get overwhelmed and heavy-hearted in the current political, environmental, spiritual, and social climate. Yet, conflict is one of the greatest methods of learning. Let’s also learn from the disruptive technology of mediation when we look for solutions to those conflicts. When it comes to expanding ourselves, connecting and healing, we need new strategies. Here are three of them.
Recently, I was talking with a client about learning to co-parent with his former wife against all the odds. Like many parenting coordination clients, the years since their divorce had only increased their antipathy for one another. But, One of the many gifts of my profession is that I am reminded almost daily that when two parents come together to decide something for their child, they generally make a better decision than either one could decide individually.
As we wade through uncharted territory like separation or parenting coordination, everyone - at some point - could use a little pick-me-up. Whether you're struggling with confidence or feeling a little down from stress, these motivational quotes might help shine a light on the other side.
As I wrapped up a particularly emotional mediation recently, I urged my clients to take good care of themselves and to make an effort to heal and restore in the subsequent weeks. This is more than an encouraging platitude at the end of a tough session. I often say this to people in the course of separation or intense co-parenting disputes because their circumstances are traumatic. Literally. Intense fighting, being left by the person you have built a trusting relationship with, losing daily contact with your children or financial and legal anxieties create trauma that gets stored in the body. And that can come back to haunt us individually and in our co-parenting relationship for years if we don’t address it.
Money. We love it. We struggle with it. We fight about it. Money touches some of the deepest recesses of our being, the tender spots where insecurities dwell. We fear we won’t have enough, even when we have always had enough to survive in the past. We want to be respected and valued for what we provide and to demonstrate good stewardship. We know money is a useful tool, but it can also be the root of all evil and equated with power. Here are some suggestions to overcome the obstacle of money in your divorce.
Everyone is using the word Sustainability right now. Maybe it’s an overused word, but I’m not tired of it yet and I think it’s as applicable to conflict resolution as it is to farming practices. After a long run of exploitation and waste, we’re finally turning toward energy, manufacturing, transportation, and food solutions that allow us to maintain this planet a little longer and leave as little trace as possible. In that same light, I propose that we get on board with sustainable conflict resolution and divorce.
Why is it that as much as we want to all get along, we find ourselves fighting with former partners, family members, neighbors, colleagues, or strangers? In fact, the closer we are or were to someone, the more likely we are to feel intense anger, frustration or hurt. We want to build strong, healthy relationships for our children and for our own peace of mind, but the other person seems to impede us at every step of the way. Since we can't change that other person, we know we have to begin with ourselves.
The woman I spoke with the other day called to see if mediation would be appropriate for her. She had just received a blow. In the course of her delicate discussions with her husband about a trial separation, she learned he was hiding an affair and the costs- both financial and emotional- blindsided her. She realized in that moment that he probably was not considering this a trial separation.
“This is conflict we’re talking about. You have to show up for this or you’re going to miss something.”
Conflict is scary, messy and overwhelming. Mostly, we want to run away from it or bury our heads in the sand like proverbial ostriches. But conflict gives us an opportunity to transform ourselves or our situation in life.
Every day the news or the Facebook feed shows some fresh angle on the craziness. Devious legislative maneuvering, offshore money hoarding, oceans rising, earth eviscerating, and a full-house of presidential candidates duking it out while the Joker rewrites the rules, making himself a trump card in the game.
I haven’t been around long enough to know whether the unique flavor of this craziness is stronger or more acidic than previous varieties, but it certainly feels unsettling.
Have you ever noticed that when you focus your attention on any one sense completely, you become more present? Smelling the dank, minerly moisture in the woods in autumn. Fully experiencing the taste and feel of chocolate in your mouth. Focusing on the sounds of the frogs in a nearby pond. This is especially true with listening to others.
You are not the first person to find yourself attempting to raise strong, confident, loving children with someone you feel is crazy. I’ve noticed some patterns in high-conflict co-parenting. Here are 8 common traps that co-parents get stuck in and some tools for getting through them.