20 simple rules for effective co-parenting.

It's official, Spring is just around the corner and the dreary days of Winter are behind us. What better time to clear our heads, attitudes, and shape some goals moving forward. This collection of inspiring quotes may be the ticket to help you get started:

It seems everyone is discovering that all along they were, in fact, married to a narcissist. I’m not sure how that happened, but I will acknowledge I notice a lot of self-centered behaviors in people going through crisis. Along the way, I’ve learned some tricks that help me work with people who are exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. These tricks may also be helpful when dealing with former partners.

In honor of all of the battles that were not fought because people decided to use words instead of weapons or the legal system, I give you this simple story of mediation:

One of the questions I most frequently get asked when clients are going through a separation is: 'How do I manage my money?'. It can actually by answered by breaking it into 3 simple steps 👉

Anyone who is transitioning through a separation - or has already separated - knows that during this time, emotions run high and feelings can get low. This is especially true when children are involved, and heightened even more during times like the holidays and special events. So how can we get our fellow co-parent to cooperate with us? It may start with you. Here are 25 ideas that can even be implemented as your New Year’s resolutions.

On December 9, Barbara Davis died in her home. Barbara was a champion of mediation and collaborative law, a musician, a bicycle enthusiast, a mother, wife, sister and friend. Barbara was my teacher, mentor and officemate.  

The holidays are generally a stressful time for most people, and stress has the tendency to bring out the worst in us.  But, what if you turn that energy around and give yourself the gift of improving your co-parenting relationship during this season of light and love, instead?  

It’s easy to get overwhelmed and heavy-hearted in the current political, environmental, spiritual, and social climate.  Yet, conflict is one of the greatest methods of learning. Let’s also learn from the disruptive technology of mediation when we look for solutions to those conflicts. When it comes to expanding ourselves, connecting and healing, we need new strategies. Here are three of them.

Recently, I was talking with a client about learning to co-parent with his former wife against all the odds. Like many parenting coordination clients, the years since their divorce had only increased their antipathy for one another. But, One of the many gifts of my profession is that I am reminded almost daily that when two parents come together to decide something for their child, they generally make a better decision than either one could decide individually.

As we wade through uncharted territory like separation or parenting coordination, everyone - at some point - could use a little pick-me-up. Whether you're struggling with confidence or feeling a little down from stress, these motivational quotes might help shine a light on the other side.

As I wrapped up a particularly emotional mediation recently, I urged my clients to take good care of themselves and to make an effort to heal and restore in the subsequent weeks.  This is more than an encouraging platitude at the end of a tough session.  I often say this to people in the course of separation or intense co-parenting disputes because their circumstances are traumatic.  Literally.  Intense fighting, being left by the person you have built a trusting relationship with, losing daily contact with your children or financial and legal anxieties create trauma that gets stored in the body.  And that can come back to haunt us individually and in our co-parenting relationship for years if we don’t address it.  

Money. We love it. We struggle with it. We fight about it. Money touches some of the deepest recesses of our being, the tender spots where insecurities dwell. We fear we won’t have enough, even when we have always had enough to survive in the past. We want to be respected and valued for what we provide and to demonstrate good stewardship. We know money is a useful tool, but it can also be the root of all evil and equated with power. Here are some suggestions to overcome the obstacle of money in your divorce.

The woman I spoke with the other day called to see if mediation would be appropriate for her.  She had just received a blow.  In the course of her delicate discussions with her husband about a trial separation, she learned he was hiding an affair and the costs- both financial and emotional-  blindsided her.  She realized in that moment that he probably was not considering this a trial separation.

“This is conflict we’re talking about.  You have to show up for this or you’re going to miss something.”

Conflict is scary, messy and overwhelming.  Mostly, we want to run away from it or bury our heads in the sand like proverbial ostriches.  But conflict gives us an opportunity to transform ourselves or our situation in life.  

Every day the news or the Facebook feed shows some fresh angle on the craziness.  Devious legislative maneuvering, offshore money hoarding, oceans rising, earth eviscerating, and a full-house of presidential candidates duking it out while the Joker rewrites the rules, making himself a trump card in the game.  

I haven’t been around long enough to know whether the unique flavor of this craziness is stronger or more acidic than previous varieties, but it certainly feels unsettling.  

Have you ever noticed that when you focus your attention on any one sense completely, you become more present? Smelling the dank, minerly moisture in the woods in autumn. Fully experiencing the taste and feel of chocolate in your mouth. Focusing on the sounds of the frogs in a nearby pond. This is especially true with listening to others.